


Zoltar's Election Speech

by GrumpyGhostOwl



Category: Battle of the Planets
Genre: Crossover, Monty Python
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-25 15:53:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12039222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrumpyGhostOwl/pseuds/GrumpyGhostOwl
Summary: Zoltar tries democracy on for size.





	Zoltar's Election Speech

**Author's Note:**

> The following sketch is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living, dead or existing in a shadowy netherworld between dimensions is purely coincidental... ish. No chickens were harmed in the production of this silliness.

  
The scene opens with a high shot of a party political event. There are big green and purple banners, camera flashes going off, people waving placards and cheers for Zoltar as he strides onto the stage, cape billowing.  
  
Zoltar takes the podium and waves to the crowd.  
  
"My fellow Spectrans!" he begins.  
  
Any attempt to complete the sentence is lost in the wave of cheering, screaming and chants of, "Zol-TAR! Zol-TAR! Zol-TAR!" from the hysterical crowd, who are only being slightly prodded in the back by Spectran regular army troops with assault rifles.  
  
"I am here before you to ask for your votes!"  
  
There is another round of cheering.  
  
In the crowd, near the front is a Spectran citizen bearing an uncanny resemblance to Eric Idle. He speaks.  
  
"What d'you want our votes for, then?"  
  
Zoltar is momentarily taken aback, but recovers his aplomb and addresses the man.  
  
"Because, Citizen, Spectra is a democracy."  
  
"A wha'?"  
  
"Dee-mock-rass-ee," says Zoltar, sounding the syllables out.  
  
"Whassat, then?"  
  
Another Citizen (who looks a bit like Michael Palin) raises his hand. "Innit when the people, based on Platonic ideals of populist government, choose their rulers through a ballot system traditionally overseen by an independent scrutineering body? Or summat?"  
  
"Er, yes," says Zoltar.  
  
"Oh, that," says the first Citizen. "But.... well... who do we vote for?"  
  
Zoltar squares his shoulders and strikes his best 'Zoltar Imperator' pose. "Me," he says.  
  
"Who else?" asks the first Citizen. "'E" -- he prods the second Citizen with one finger -- "says we get to choose our rulers. So who else is there to vote for? I mean, if there's no-one else to vote for, it gets to looking a bit like a sham election held to appease interplanetary observers whilst perpetuating the rule of the military junta, dunnit?"  
  
"There is always," Zoltar says, looking down his nose, "the opposition."  
  
"Ooooooohhhhh, the opposition," says the first Citizen, nodding knowingly. Suddenly, he frowns, clearly puzzled. "What opposition?"  
  
"There is an opposition party," Zoltar declares. "Their leader is not an effective ruler."  
  
"Nah," says the second Citizen, "'E's dead."  
  
"Well, yes," Zoltar agrees.  
  
"'Cos of how you shot 'im."  
  
"Erm..." says Zoltar.  
  
"Well," insists the second Citizen, "you did. It was at the end of the debate. I saw it on the telly."  
  
Zoltar fidgets uncomfortably. "No I didn't."  
  
"YES, YOU DID!" cries the audience.  
  
"All right, I did," Zoltar admits. "A bit."  
  
"A BIT?" echoes the first Citizen. "You shot him a BIT?"  
  
"He's feeling much better," says Zoltar.  
  
"How do you know that?" asks the second Citizen. "Hold a séance, did you?"  
  
"Guards!" cries Zoltar. "Arrest this man!"  
  
A knight in full plate armour walks up behind Zoltar and hits him over the head with a rubber chicken.  
  
"Oh, bugger," says Zoltar. "It's the end of the sketch."  
  



End file.
